Previously: Sense and Sensibility, parts I, II, and III.
MRS. PRICE: Too many children
Too many children Portsmouth help
Mail son away
Send son away via mail
Send son East or somewhere via post office legal
How mail son to relatives who hate me
Cheaper to mail away son or daughter
SIR THOMAS: On the one hand I feel for the girl…
But on the other hand — if she grew up handsome, you see, and the boys noticed — It could be very awkward — Cousin marriage is all well and good when the cousin in question has something of her own, but a poor cousin —
MRS. NORRIS: If you’re afraid of the cousins getting married then the best thing in the world is for her to come and live here, where you can keep an eye on things. Strongest proof against cousin marriage I can think of. If there’s anyone you don’t want your sons marrying, my advice is to bring her up in your own home and treat her like a daughter. Fill the world with sisters, until there’s only one very rich woman they don’t think they’re too closely related to. Really we ought to bring all of her sisters too, if any of them look like they’re going to grow up to be charming. No one wants to marry someone they already eat breakfast with every day. That’s just my advice of course
MRS. NORRIS: By the way here’s the order in which I love everybody:
Maria
Tom
Julia
Edmund
Maria again
Pug dog
The girl
SIR THOMAS: Remember, girls, that Fanny is going to be your very best friend. But she must never look you directly in the eyes. If she dares, you must tell me at once, and I will give her to the Post Office right away
FANNY PRICE: ʰᵉˡˡᵒ ᴹʳˢ ᴺᵒʳʳᶦˢ ᵐᵒᵗʰᵉʳ ˢᵃʸˢ ᶦᵐ ᵗᵒ ᵍᵒ ʷᶦᵗʰ ʸᵒᵘ ᶠᵒʳ ʷᵉ ᵃʳᵉ ᵗᵒᵒ ᵐᵃⁿʸ
MRS. NORRIS: HELLO FANNY
YOUR MOTHER TELLS ME YOU HAVEN’T GOT ANY MONEY
THAT’S NOT VERY GOOD, IS IT
FANNY: ⁿᵒ ᵐᵃᵃᵐ
MRS. NORRIS: SPEAK UP
FANNY: ɴᴏ ᴍᴀᴀᴍ
MRS. NORRIS: THAT’S BETTER. SAY IT LIKE YOU MEAN IT. YOUR DISGRACE IS NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF
FANNY: ₕₑₗₗₒ
MARIA BERTRAM [disgusted]: I’m thirteen
what are you, ten
MRS. NORRIS [stage whispering]: Sᴀʏ 'ᴛʜᴀɴᴋ ʏᴏᴜ,' Fᴀɴɴʏ
JULIA BERTRAM: How many sashes do you have
FANNY: ₜ𝓌ₒ
JULIA BERTRAM: Est-ce que tu parles même français?
FANNY: ?...ᵢₘ ₐ ₘₒᵤₛₑ
MARIA BERTRAM: SHE DOESN’T EVEN SPEAK FRENCH
JULIA BERTRAM: what are you, four foot six? do you know the names of all the metals and semi-metals?
MARIA BERTRAM: she looks like she’s never had a glass of milk in her life
have you ever even had a glass of milk before, Fanny? You can be honest with us. We’re your cousins. And I’m twelve, you can trust me.
FANNY: mother said we had to save our milk for the boys
since they would need their bones in the Navy more than we would sitting at home
JULIA BERTRAM: can we mail her back
MRS. NORRIS: Julia! Maria!…Of course we can’t do that. Think of the cost of postage
Just put her in the fireplace or something
EDMUND: You seem sad. Would you like to take a walk and tell me about your life in Portsmouth?
FANNY: I will never fail you. If you ever need a kidney I will cut mine out of my body myself. If you ever find yourself friendless in the world you will know that I am dead, for as long as I am living you shall want for nothing
EDMUND: If you want to write your mother a letter I will take it to the Post Office for you
FANNY: Please — I don’t want to talk about the Post Office. But you can kill me if you want to. I won’t mind
LADY BERTRAM: Love my little pug dog
Wonderful little pug dog
Write will in favor of little pug dog no children
Pug dog nicer than human children appropriate
Okay to love pug baby
Special special pug dog
No London no visit town only pug dog house in country no husband goodbye husband
SIR THOMAS: Eldest son worthless
Good son second son good son Edmund church son
Eldest son ugly hat too many horses
How take away horses from eldest son English law
Legal horse removal from bad son gambling?
Tax deductions giving nephews to Navy Sir Thomas Parliament
FANNY: Possible to love both Edmund and brother same time
Love brother
Love Edmund
Are horses real
Edmund good wonderful Mansfield Park tall has penknife last name?
is Edmund famous
learn French to impress Edmund
FANNY: I can never be important to anyone
EDMUND: Oh, cheer up, I’m sure it’s not all bad
[Later]
FANNY: Dear Diary. You’ll never believe what Edmund said today. Once again he has transformed all my despair into hope
MRS. GRANT: Welcome to the parsonage! Come in, come in! Can I get you anything? Some bread and butter?
MRS. NORRIS: Some what
MRS. GRANT: An egg?
MRS. NORRIS: A what
MRS. NORRIS: Edmund, I just want you to know: If your father and brother are killed on the journey to Antigua, if they are horribly drowned, or catch some kind of fever, or fit, or are kicked to death by horses, I think I should be the one to tell everybody about it
LADY BERTRAM: How to get out of chaperoning dances
How to avoid quality time with daughters
Daughters leave me alone
Letters and pug dog only sign of a good mother?
Other people spend time with my daughters
Who is Fanny Price
EDMUND: Can’t you see this woman’s got to have a horse
My God, she looks awful
I mean no offense, Fanny
FANNY: The fact that you would even look at me is more than I could possibly have hoped for
It’s an honor merely to be called wan by you
EDMUND: I’m sending one of mine around this afternoon. You’ve got to ride it immediately or who knows what sort of brain fevers or blood disorders might arise
FANNY: You have only to say the word and I will ride your mare into Hell
EDMUND: See, it’s already started
MARY CRAWFORD: What is Fanny Price’s deal
Fanny Price small monkey or homunculus
Fanny Price enchanted doll gift of human appearance?
Fanny Price normal
Can Fanny Price go outside
How to lie to make Edmund like you
[Image via]
AUSTEN: ok so you only like poor girls marrying rich
okay fine
so this time your poor girl is a homunculus
are you happy now.
without any bones
because: no milk.
all milk for Navy-bound brothers get it?
empire.
turns girls into spineless willless homunculuses
and boys into milk-swilling naval pillagers
DO YOU GET IT
This has Very Secret Diaries vibes. In the best possible way