Mansfield Park, Part II

Previously: Mansfield Park, Part I. “She looks like she’s never had a glass of milk in her LIFE.”

MARIA CRAWFORD: MY HARP IS HERE

you there — Boy! — give me that horse

I must have a horse for my harp without a moment’s delay

HORSE BOY: I’m very sorry, ma’am, but I can’t spare the horse just now

We need them all to bring in the hay harvest

MARIA CRAWFORD: to bring in the what

HORSE BOY: the hay, ma’am

The dried grasses and pulses that cows eat

We have to get it indoors before the weather turns

MARIA CRAWFORD: You’re telling me I can’t play my own harp

because your horse has to bring lunch to your cow

HORSE BOY: It’s not my cow, ma’am

MARIA CRAWFORD: No, I shouldn’t imagine it was, because if you knew anything about ownership you would have appreciated my harp quandary

instead of begrudging me a single solitary horse and cart

I must say it’s a very strange part of the country, where cows and not men are the masters of horses

And I don’t mean to tell you how to do your job but you only have to look around you to see that there are grass and trees everywhere and not a harp to be seen

Why can’t the cows eat the grass that’s already on the ground?

HORSE BOY: I’m very sorry, ma’am, but I’d better get back to my foreman

MARIA CRAWFORD: I assume that’s some species of cow

Well! far be it from me to keep you from your cattle-overlord

---

EDMUND: Fanny I wanted to ask your opinion about Miss Crawford

I find her exquisite, like a snow globe. but she also needs a lot of criticizing

FANNY: I believe she is a giantess

She is seventeen, possibly nineteen feet tall

and she does not respect Uncles

EDMUND: I could almost wish her more like you, Fanny: the size of a thimble and full of the trembling respect for Uncles that leaves you shaking like a leaf

and of course it is hardly her fault that she cannot respect Uncles as a class. She has been surrounded by terrible examples. And she is so very tall, this wonderful big Mary.

FANNY [trembling like an aspen] thank you

EDMUND: Then we agree: Mary is perfect, and I’m going to fix her

---

EDMUND: Fanny! I don’t have time to stop. I just wanted to tell you what a splendid job Mary Crawford is doing riding your horse

By your rigid silence I know you must approve of her progress :) :) :)

MARY CRAWFORD [from a great height]: Fanny!!! I’m not sorry but you’re going to forgive me anyways

COACHMAN: Begging your pardon, Miss Price, but she was so much better at riding horses than you ever were, it were a pleasure just to hold the reins for her

Your fear makes you so difficult to love, if I may be so free as to say so, Miss

EDMUND: No that’s exactly it

MARY CRAWFORD: How observant, coachman! I’ve only known Fanny for a few days but I was just thinking to myself that it would be so much easier to like her if she weren’t so cringing and anxious to be forgotten

EDMUND: That is why people don’t like her! Mary, that was such a perceptive observation. Don’t you feel keenly observed, Fanny?…What a beautiful day. God, I feel so alive! Race me across the meadow, Mary, with your beautiful giantess legs! Fanny can rest for a while in this little acorn I found in my pocket.

---

JULIA: I think Mary Crawford is SO good at riding horses

MARIA: I always think that really good horsemanship is an indicator of a fine mind, and a noble spirit. Anyone who looks timid on top of a horse lacks something fundamentally human. They are like a broken gargoyle

or a big cup of old soup

JULIA: Fanny I wanted to ask you

what condition, exactly, is it that you have,

where you’re not strong enough to walk

but you are medically required to ride a horse every six hours?

MARIA: do you know, I’ve ALWAYS wondered about that?

FANNY: the doctors said I lack horse?

EDMUND: They did say that! They said she had critically low reserves of horse and spirit…

JULIA: Oh! Well, if a doctor said it…!

MARIA: A doctor said so! There we are. Mystery solved!

TOM: my job is House :)

MARIA: Yes. Thank you, Tom.

---

EDMUND: Has anyone seen Fanny?

JULIA: Who?

MARIA: Didn’t she go to bed?

LADY BERTRAM: The girl from before? She died, I thought? Horse insufficiency of some kind carried her off in the fall, best I can remember

FANNY: Eᴅᴍᴜɴᴅ, I’ᴍ ʜᴇʀᴇ! I sʟɪᴘᴘᴇᴅ ʙᴇᴛᴡᴇᴇɴ ᴛʜᴇ ᴄᴏᴜᴄʜ ᴄᴜsʜɪᴏɴs ᴀɴᴅ ʜᴀᴠᴇ ʙᴇᴇɴ ᴛʀʏɪɴɢ ᴛᴏ ᴠᴀᴜʟᴛ ᴍʏ ᴡᴀʏ ᴏᴜᴛ ᴜsɪɴɢ Aᴜɴᴛ Nᴏʀʀɪs’ sᴇᴡɪɴɢ-ɴᴇᴇᴅʟᴇ ᴛʜɪs ᴘᴀsᴛ ʜᴏᴜʀ ᴀɴᴅ ᴀ ʜᴀʟғ!

MRS. NORRIS: Wicked girl! I have been looking for that sewing-needle everywhere!

[Fanny slowly climbs out from underneath the cushions.]

FANNY: You needed me, Edmund?

EDMUND: Yes! I want you to settle something for me — would you call Miss Crawford’s eyes spirited, or magnificent?

FANNY: Magnificent, I think. But they are magnificent from the animation of a great spirit.

EDMUND: That’s just it. That’s exactly it. I knew you would know how to put it. Thank God for you, Chester

FANNY: Iᴛ's Fᴀɴɴʏ, ᴀᴄᴛᴜᴀʟʟʏ

EDMUND [Not listening]: Yes, that’s quite Chester, excellent Chester

---

MARY CRAWFORD: I’m sorry, I’m sorry — I just want to get this straight

Fanny has the kind of ailment —

EDMUND: Condition —

MARY CRAWFORD: Condition, as you say — where taking an afternoon walk with an arm full of flowers is almost enough to kill her —

EDMUND: And I’ll never forgive myself for letting her carry those flowers —

MARY CRAWFORD: — While at the same time, she cannot go as much as three days without galloping on a horse?

EDMUND: That’s exactly right.

MARY CRAWFORD: So flowers are too strenuous, but steeplechasing —

EDMUND: The doctors call it the Horse Cure

FANNY [lost in a pot of jam]: ɪ ᴀᴍ sᴏʀʀʏ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ sᴜᴄʜ ᴀ ʙᴏᴛʜᴇʀ

EDMUND: It’s quite all horse, darling

---

LADY BERTRAM [singing quietly to pug dog]: ♪ ♫♪ Oh, I don’t love anything

as much as I love to sit ♫♪

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MARY CRAWFORD and FANNY PRICE [In perfect unison, and in precisely opposite tones]: Oh, a church!

FANNY PRICE: I can’t think of anything better than praying :) unless it’s getting together to pray with the whole family :) :) :)

MARY CRAWFORD: My uncle, who’s in the Navy, has had sex

EDMUND: You are my two favorite women in the world

To me, you’re both exactly the same, except one of you (Mary) is so beautiful

MR. RUSHWORTH: My job is House and this is my House

HENRY CRAWFORD: What an odd thing to say

MR. RUSHWORTH: Shut up. Shut up. I order you to shut up. I have seventeen more staircases to show you before dinner so you need to shut up

HENRY CRAWFORD [Already scaling the garden walls with both Bertram sisters slung over his shoulders]: Right behind you, Rushie!

MARY CRAWFORD [Weeping with fury]: I don’t even know what a church is, Edmund

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