Northanger Abbey, Part III

Previously in this series: Northanger Abbey, parts I and II. “It didn’t seem like it was going to rain, but it did rain. First there were clouds, and then there was rain afterwards, and everyone agreed rain meant wetness. Then it rained harder, until eventually it stopped. If it doesn’t seem very interesting to read all this, imagine how much less interesting it is for this to happen to you. Most of life isn’t very interesting, you know. That’s why people read Gothic novels.”

GENERAL TILNEY: WILL YOU HAVE HAM

CATHERINE: You are too kind. I have had more than enough breakfast already

GENERAL TILNEY: BREAKFAST AND HAM ARE NOT AT ALL THE SAME THING. I MUST INSIST. AND I CAN ONLY APOLOGIZE THAT BOTH MY SONS ARE NOT PRESENT TO OBSERVE YOUR TAKING HAM THIS MORNING

CATHERINE: I assure you, I feel very thoroughly observed

GENERAL TILNEY: IN MY HOUSE NO WOMAN SHOULD HAVE TO ADDRESS A SLICE OF HAM WITH A PALTRY TWO MALE OBSERVERS

ANY HOME WITH PRETENSIONS TO GENTILITY MUST OFFER, AT A BARE MINIMUM, THREE MASCULINE RELATIVES TO SUPERVISE HER HAM

[Captain Tilney enters]

THERE YOU ARE, BOY. I MUST TELL YOU, DESPITE SHAKING WITH RAGE SO I CAN BARELY SPEAK, THAT YOU HAVE MISSED THE BETTER PART OF MISS MORLAND’S HAM-EATING THIS MORNING

MISS MORLAND, YOU WILL KINDLY APPLY YOURSELF ONCE MORE TO THE HAM, THAT MY WORTHLESS BOY MIGHT DO HIS DUTY AS HOST

CATHERINE: Please — I am very full of ham already —

GENERAL TILNEY: THEN WE WILL WAIT IN SILENCE UNTIL YOU ARE READY

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CATHERINE: I think it’s wonderful how you manage to drive without cursing at the horses, or putting your cigars out on my boots

HENRY TILNEY: It hadn’t occurred to me to do either of those things —

CATHERINE: I’ve been in a carriage before, you know. I know what I’m talking about.

HENRY TILNEY: Just as you say.

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CATHERINE: What is your house like? Is it just like Manderley, from Rebecca? And is Mrs Danvers going to yell at me and make me look at the most beautiful underwear in the world?

HENRY TILNEY: Yes. That’s exactly what will happen to you

CATHERINE [Disappointed]: Oh, but look — all of your chimneys are new. And there are no skeletons anywhere —

GENERAL TILNEY [Breaking in]: It’s twenty minutes to five. Prepare yourself for more ham