Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! How DELICIOUS – It's every character you find in an 18th-century period film!
(Yes, I just saw The Favourite. I had a very good time! Emma Stone has a wonderfully rubber-y Betty Boop face and watching her silently book it out of a castle after accidentally learning what lesbianism was made me laugh.)
Red-Faced Female Cook With Historically Significant Bosoms
always saying “But Milady, there is no time” while clutching a turnip and being interrupted
Cockney accent even if the movie predates Cockney accents or is set hundreds of miles away from London
terrifying for the first 20 minutes of the movie, then flour-caked and impotent afterwards as the protagonist scales up
almost has the largest and most dominant breasts in the film
either brushing back frizzy curls from behind a white cap while kneading shortcrust or brandishing an eel in anger at someone hot and stupid and poor
Be-Lipsticked Fop Man Whose Feminine Presentation Belies Vicious Misogyny
always simpering and twirling a handkerchief and laughing through a closed mouth
is currently kicking you viciously down a flight of stairs
claims to be the only chance of survival you have in this viper’s nest
most likely to be guilty of villainous eating
always calling upsetting stuff “delicious,” definitely the first one to say anything after a painful or terrifying silence
at some point shown without his wig and then becomes irrelevant to the plot once his borrowed finery has been exposed
if anyone’s gonna fall in a fountain it’s definitely this guy
Lipstick Guy’s Friend Who Dresses Super Masc But Is Equally Misogynist
has on like a tricorn hat or something
makes you wonder, wait, why are these two guys who are clearly from the same social background, both live at court, both part of the government so WILDLY different in terms of dress and no one comments on it? It feels like if you and your best friend went to the same elite college and one of you dressed like a field hockey player (slightly preppy/upscale/sporty) and the other one dressed like a furry 24/7, people would notice
also an asshole but lacks style, can’t read the room
Baronness von Letterpocket
spiritually wearing an eyepatch
probably stealing stuff out of your room while you’re at church
walks faster when she’s holding a candelabra
mean to servants, I’m Hard Because I Have To Be
delicately slicing an apple while threatening you
The Belligerently Childish Monarch
Always clapping hands in excited glee over turnovers and mass French deaths
Champagne For My Sham Friends
Favorite person is whoever was in the room last, real Ralph Wiggum vibe
I want their four-poster bed as badly as I wanted Felicity’s four-poster American Girl Doll bed when my sister got it for her tenth birthday and I never will
A Scene Where Someone Rich Pisses Or Something
to remind you the past is gross and full of swears
Like Ninety Old Guys In Curly Chestnut Wigs
I assume they’re Parliament or Scotland
Aged Choirmaster
serves to illustrate the difference between effete and effeminate against the fop dude
always bowing and apologizing to someone sotto voce
way too easily disgraced
eyebrows trembling in bushy sorrow
no one who loves Refinement and Accomplishment can know real happiness in this court of vampires
Tragic Squidward
That One Lady
starts showing up a lot halfway through
usually pushing her food around during a Dissipated Banquet Sequence or smiling when she’s not supposed to be during a concert
seems to be some fan of period films who won a walk-on, no idea what she’s doing, just has a real 20th-century face for some reason
Eyebrows The Horsewoman
probably Keira Knightley, definitely wearing a hat and chafing against some sort of stricture
everyone in the 18th century was a horse girl by virtue of everyone having horses but somehow manages to be a horse girl even then
Minister Spooky Ring
has a spooky ring or carries a necklace with a big gold chain at the end
maybe both
“I Seen’d It” Chambermaid
oh, she seen’d it
what you did
she saw it all, mum
definitely has red hair
"spiritually wearing an eyepatch"
*expires*
I am definitely writing all of these characters into my D&D campaign.