QUIZ: What Is The Name Of Your Shockingly Well-Funded Boutique Transgender Services Start-Up?

You’ve downloaded Euphoria, Venmo’d your first $1440 to Folx, gotten on the Genderfck Waiting List, and can’t wait for the day Plume opens its first vaccine clinic-cum-co-working space in Guerneville. But you can’t help but wonder: Are there any other opportunities for luxury concierge transition services in the app marketplace? If you’re optimizing your body, why not optimize the startup model? Aren’t trans people intuitive biohackers and disruptors? And isn’t that what the consumer-driven health technology industry (sorry, spaces) is all about?

First things first: What are you called?

BLSS (pronounced BLSS)

Passing

Realignmeant

Flux

Metamorphosister

Pelt

qMUNity

Lymph

Sexpansive

Tuft

Quantum

Chaser

Crest (later sued by the toothpaste Crest, changes name to Tassel)

Transsubstantiate

Molt

Tukk

Dis/solve

Trois

Helping Handrogyne

Bemme

Ally Pally

QUOUT

Slurp

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How much did you raise in initial funding rounds?

$8 million, Sequoia Capital, Series A

Undisclosed amount, personal donation from anonymous angel investor widely rumored to be Mark Andreeson

$5 million, “our amazing friends and family”

$1 million, Lockheed Martin’s Skunk Works

$2 million, Shark Tank (Barbara)

$2.5 million, Shark Tank (Mark Cuban)

$3 million, a lesser Musk brother

$1 million, self-financing as the result of a successful Subway lawsuit

$10 million, federal funding due to broad interpretation of a legislative rider in SOSTA/FESTA

$4 million, Mailchimp

$250,000, MIT Sandbox Innovation Fund plus undisclosed personal contribution from co-founder

$7 million due to Y Combinator error

$1.5 million, Leonardo DiCaprio via Struck Capital

$6 million, Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation

$1 million, run-off from Oatly’s Blackstone Group funding

$3 million, Series B, 23andMe

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Which celebrity is incongruously attached to this project? “We couldn’t have done any of this without the tireless efforts of….”

Hilary Mantel

The estate of John le Carré

The Gentleman with the Thistledown Hair from Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell

Elizabeth Holmes

Stephen Sondheim

Zack Braff

The reunited staff of Sassy

That one business journalist who quit her job to marry Martin Shkreli

Elena Ferrante

Lars von Trier

D.B. Cooper

The Shamwow Guy

That one director from the Nexium documentary, Mark I think

Paul Hollywood from The Great British Bake-Off

Anne Carson

That time Tom Hiddleston and Taylor Swift were dating

Condoleeza Rice

The defunct Jeremy Renner app

The Olsen brothers

Former Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz

Erika Moen

Karl Ove Knausgård

Nicole Kidman’s wigs from The Undoing

The “Hipster Grifter” from 2009

Francine Pascal

Chrissy Tiegen

Eileen Myles’ epaulets

Martha Stewart and Snoop Dogg, in what they insist on cheekily referring to as a “joint venture” in every single interview

Black Phillip from The VVitch

Laura Linney’s character from Love Actually but this time she’s gotten together with Karl and found a way to balance her caretaking responsibilities for her brother and her own personal life, which is so great

The cast of Schitt’s Creek

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How do you feel making this announcement on launch day?

Beyond excited

Beyond grateful

Beyond humble

Beyond amazed

Been waiting for months to share this

Can’t believe it’s finally here

At last, something just for us

The community

Sometimes it’s difficult to be a #trans person in

The world’s first

Sorry, the world’s second

We noticed that no one was

We’re unbelievably excited to announce

ANNOUNCEMENT

Most of our content will always be free

We’re committed to finding affordable solutions

Introducing

Just to clarify,

We believe that all trans people deserve to be pampered and feel special sometimes

THREAD:

We hear you

That’s why there have always been two tiers of service here at

Thank you, @hkissinger, for clarifying that what we meant was

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