I’ve watched a lot of movies (and a few TV shows) that prominently feature pie fights, and in my experience the horseshoe effect usually prevails. If you are the sort of person whose dignity would be seriously compromised by being hit with a pie, you’re obviously going to get hit, but the same is true if you are cheerfully messy and wouldn’t mind being hit with a pie at all.
If you’re carrying something heavy, ideally something that partially obscures your view of what’s going on, you’re probably going to get hit too – unless you’re carrying something so heavy, or so delicate, that it would actually be funnier for you to be constantly imperiled but never actually hit with a pie at all. Just don’t count on it: very few people are actually safe during a pie fight. Read on to find out what your odds are of making through the proceedings unscathed.
Are you about to be hit with a pie in this pie fight?
Have you already been hit with a pie?
Yes, in the face (No)
Yes, on the body (Likely to be hit again soon)
No, not yet (Yes)
Have you implored the others to stop throwing pies at each other?
Yes, pleadingly (Eventually)
Yes, “At once!” (Expeditiously)
Yes, while French (Yes, three at a time)
No (No)
Are you standing right behind someone very unpopular?
Yes (Yes)
No (Maybe)
No, I’m standing behind a bride and groom. I’m the priest marrying them (Absolutely)
How incongruous would being covered in broken fragments of crust, blueberries in syrup, and whipped cream be with your public image?
Not very. I’m a messy kid at summer camp, a real frog-in-my-pocket tomboy, or a pastry chef who’s always covered in flour anyways (No)
Somewhat. I’m a well-liked teacher, or a friendly popular girl (Maybe)
Extremely incongruous. People would be shocked to see me with pie on my face, in any circumstance. It would undermine my dignity and authority, and I need both of those (Yes)
How aware are you that there is a pie fight going on right now?
Very aware. In fact, I started it (Maybe)
I’m not sure. I wasn’t part of the initial action (Likely)
Not at all. I just walked in the room/straightened up from looking for something under the tables/turned around (Yes)
I had no idea. I just ran in from outside, stood on top of the stairs, and yelled out an important announcement or warning right after the last guy who did that took a pie in the face (Yes)
6. What are you wearing today?
My usual outfit. Something casual, probably a T-shirt and jeans (Low)
Some costume jewelry, maybe a scarf or tasseled shawl, a leisure suit. Something that shows off my personality (Moderate)
An evening gown, or a big top hat that flies off my head whenever it’s struck by a projectile (High)
A three-piece suit. I am the mayor, after all (High)
A sash with my three-piece suit. I am the governor, after all (Extremely high)
A bridal gown (As high as possible)
A toupee/a wig (Higher even than that)
Is it the 1930s where you are?
Yes (Yes)
Yes, and there are one or more members of the Three Stooges nearby (Absolutely
No (Outcome uncertain)
No, it’s the 1970s (Yes)
How close are you to a pair of double-swinging doors?
Very close. I’m in an old-time saloon (Yes)
Very close. I’m standing near the entrance to the kitchen (Yes)
Not very. I’m close to the door to the men’s bathroom, though (Yes)
Are you carrying something heavy?
No, my hands are empty (Impossible to say)
Just a briefcase (Maybe)
Yes, and it’s really difficult to keep hold of (Yes)
So heavy that it takes three of us just to lift it (Yes yes yes)
It’s not just heavy, it’s a priceless antique and very breakable (Yes)
No, but I am carefully pulling a soufflé out of the oven…even someone talking in too loud a voice could cause it to collapse! (You are as safe from being hit with a pie as could possibly be. I feel confident guaranteeing your safety)
Have you recently pied someone else by accident — someone you respect, or else fear, like your boss or a visiting judge of a pie contest?
No, I have only thrown pies with intent (50/50)
Yes (100%)
Yes, but I made it up to him by nervously scraping off some of the cream from his face with my hands while he breathed slowly and said nothing (No)
No, but I’m standing right behind the guy who accidentally throw a pie at his terrifying boss/visiting judge, and then nervously scraped some of the cream off his face with his hands (100%)
No, I’m just one of two deliverymen trying to carry this antique mirror across the parking lot. I’m not connected to any pie fight that I’m aware of (Yes)
No, I’ve been staying out of the action and encouraging other people to throw pies instead of (Yes)
If pie fight is occurring in a movie or television show before 2010: Have you been depicted either as conspicuously fat or conspicuously thin?
No (No)
Yes (Yes)
Yes, I’m conspicuously thin and snooty about it (Multiple pies will be thrown at you)
If pie fight is occurring in a movie or television show before, say, 1970: Are you looking aghast at the action through your lorgnette?
I’m a dowager. Of course I’m looking aghast through my lorgnette (Yes)
No, I’m laughing heartily, as befits a man of the people (No)
Could anyone describe you as a stuffed shirt?
Of course, I’m the maitre’d at an upscale French restaurant (Yes)
Possibly. I am the smartest boy in school (Yes)
I’m not sure what that means. I’m a dreadful little girl with pigtails (Yes)
Not to my face. They wouldn’t dare. I’m the mayor, after all (Yes)
How near are you to a ribbon-cutting ceremony?
Not very. I’m a fraternity man, at a fraternity house. It’s 1970 (Odds low)
Pretty near. I am the mayor, after all (Imminent)
Pretty near. I’m the beautiful lady holding the giant scissors the mayor is going to use to cut the ribbon in a moment (70/30, depending on whether your beauty leans glamorous or sleazy)
Not very near at all. I’m a dowager about to christen a steamship with a bottle of champagne (The crust is already on the tip of your nose; you just don’t know it yet)
How recently have you exclaimed “That does it!”?
Not today, I don’t think (50/50)
It’s been a while. I really couldn’t say (No telling what might happen)
Less than thirty seconds ago (You are going to hit someone else in the face with a pie)
Are you part of a sincere romantic duo in an otherwise silly comedy?
Yes (No)
No (Yes)
How recently have you laughed at someone else getting a pie in the face?
In the last thirty seconds (Yes)
Very recently, but it was sympathetic (Still yes)
I would never laugh at someone else’s misfortune. I’m part of a very exclusive dining club, and we’re in the middle of being served an incredibly elaborate meal by a school of trained butlers (Yes, simultaneously)
What kind of diagetic music can you hear right now?
Classical music, mainly violins (High)
Circus or “zany” music (Low; you have already been hit by a number of pies and are safe)
A single tuba blast whenever someone else is hit with a pie (High)
A very restrained, military drumroll (You have no idea how bad it’s going to get in a minute)
Actually the music stops whenever the camera cuts to me (Very, very high)
Has the person most recently hit with a pie in the face just turned around, slowly and deliberately, to look at you?
No, they’re looking at somebody else (You’re fine)
I am the most recently pied person in the room (You are safe)
Yes. How funny you should mention it! I guess I drew their attention by laughing at their misfortune (You, or someone just behind you, is going to be pied)
After being hit with a pie, did you proceed to eat some of the pie off of your own face and/or body?
No. It would never occur to me to do that (You are safe. If you have already been hit with a pie, you will not be hit with a second, and your dry-cleaning bill will be reasonable)
Yes (You are going to try to get hit by the next thrown pie, even if it hasn’t been aimed at you)
At any point during the proceedings, have you yelled anything like “Food fight!”?
No (Could go either way)
Yes (Yes, but you won’t mind very much)
Do you have any distinguishing facial characteristics? How “funny” would your face look with whipped cream all over it?
No funnier than usual. I’m pretty unremarkable-looking (Maybe)
Pretty funny, I think, because I’m extremely gorgeous. People always tell me that I should model, and it’s really gone to my head (Yes)
I’m not sure. I have big Peter Lorre eyes, if that’s what you mean, and would probably blink owlishly through a veil of whipped cream if hit (Yes)
How tall are you?
Not very. I’m actually on the shorter side (Low)
Pretty tall (Moderate)
Pretty tall, and I’m standing just behind someone a few inches shorter than me (High)
Very tall. I’m Jimmy Stewart in a rented tuxedo
Do people ever call you “Your Highness”?
No, never (No)
Occasionally, as a joke about my snootiness. I don’t like it (Maybe)
Yes. I’m the king of a small European nation with a very elaborate dress code, and I’m traveling with my ancient aide-de-camp, who is a very old man with a handlebar mustache and epaulets on his jacket (No chance you’re not getting hit with a pie today)
Have you recently hissed “You wouldn’t dare” at your most loyal sidekick, who until this minute you have treated like dirt?
No (No)
Yes (Yes)
Are you a beautiful woman?
Yes (Probably)
Yes, and I’m standing just behind a man who really deserves to be hit with a pie (Yes)
Yes, and I’m wearing a low-cut shirt. I have immaculate breasts (Absolutely, I’m sorry to say)
How many pastry chefs are standing in the room right now?
Fewer than ten (Maybe)
More than ten (Probably)
More than fifty, and they’re all wearing toques (You might be safe just because of sheer numbers)
More than can be counted, all wearing toques, mustaches are visibly French (Everyone is getting pied today)
If movie or television show is made before 2000: How obviously gay are you?
I’m pretty butch (50/50)
The whole nine yards. I am also a hairdresser (I’m so sorry. You are probably going to fall headfirst into a big three-tiered cake, too, after being pied)
Pretty gay. I am a lesbian (Not only are you not going to be hit by a pie, you’re probably not even going to be in the kind of movie where pie-throwing occurs)
Are you being played by Jack Lemmon?
Yes (Yes)
No, I’m being played by Tony Curtis/Walter Matthau (Yes, but it will take longer, and it will probably only be the one)
Yes, I’m one of several characters being played by Jack Lemmon (There is a whole room of pies just for you)
How involved would you say you are in this pie fight?
I’m pretty entertained, but if I can I’d like to stay out of it (You might make it out with only a glancing blow on the sleeve or something)
I will do anything to stay out of this pie fight (You will make it until the very end but you will get hit. Possibly you will be hit with the last pie of all)
I’m throwing pies like it’s my job (Ditto)
I tried to stay out of it, but then a bowl of something savory, like macaroni or potato salad, landed upside-down on my head (Pies will happen to you, but it will no longer matter)
[Images from Blazing Saddles, The Great Race and Three’s Company]
The use of any of the following phrases:
"Well I never!"
"I'll show you!"
"Why, of all the..."
will result in you immediately being hit by a pie.
Movies today do not feature nearly enough pie fights.