Things Crossing Guards Have Said To Me About My Dog
Previously: Things Italian Men of a Certain Age Have Said To Me About My Dog.
“Am I looking at a skunk? I’m not seeing a skunk, am I?…Wow, he looks just like a little skunk, and I thought maybe for a minute — that can’t be a skunk on a leash.”
“My husband told me about you! My husband told me about this dog!”
[Visibly pained] “You have to go. I can’t be distracted. You gotta go!”
“Oh, my God. Oh, he’s so small. Is he gonna stay this small? How big is he gonna get? If he were mine, I would spoil him all the time. I would spoil him rotten. You spoil him?”
“I know this dog! This is the dog my husband told me all about! You need to get him out of here, the kids are gonna go nuts. But you bring him back.”
“You need to wait here a minute, I told the other girl about you. Hang on, she’s coming, she’s on a break, she wants to talk to your dog. She’s just one street over, hang on.”
“What is it? Is it a Corgi?”
“You must not be able to take him on a walk without getting stopped! Well, you don’t get a dog like this to avoid attention.”
“She’s just a cloud. She’s just a little cloud. How soft is she? How did she get so soft? I’ve never seen a dog so soft.”
“Look at that! Look at that. Kids, keep moving.”
Something That May Shock and Discredit You is now out in paperback, and has been printed with my third and final name! At last, a book by Daniel M. Lavery.
Wait wait WAIT, this raises QUESTIONS; there are THINGS we need to KNOW - did you wait for her to come back from her break one street over? (If so, what was her reaction?) Also, IS he a cloud?! Is it possible to be both a dog AND a cloud? (If so, what type of cloud? Are we talking cumulus? Cirrus? Are there heretofore unknown Canine Cloud Types?) Halp!!
Look, Dog Interaction is a wonderful thing, but also a powerful and terrible thing, and it must be managed carefully. You must please leave now, it is not Dog Time, but later? Oh yeah. Dog Time.