With my cursory knowledge of pop psychology and the ongoing replication crisis, and Ashurbanipal’s iron control over the kingdoms of Babylon, Assyria, Sumer, and Akkad, there is no telling how high we might rise. I dial the year 648 BCE into my time machine, hoping to catch Ashurbanipal just after crushing the rebellion of his elder brother Šamaš-šuma-ukin at the siege of Babylon. Success! There he is, the King of the Four Corners of the World, Master of Animals, Lord of Ninevah, the great king, the mighty king, viceroy of Babylon, king of Assyria, king of Kish, favorite of Marduk, šarru ša ina kullat mātāti māḫiri lā īšû, absolutely fantastic.
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