I won’t take up much of your time today. I’m a reasonable man with a reasonable request that should be straightforward to implement. We need a third size for multivitamins.

Multivitamins currently come in two sizes: “fun chewables for kids” and “horsekillers for adults.” The fun chewables have in recent years expanded from Flintstones chalk to include gummy bears, and in fairness, some of those gummy bears are marketed towards adults. I just don’t like them very much. If I want a gummy bear, I don’t just want to eat two of them with a slightly off aftertaste; I want a normal bag of gummy bears that taste like gummy bears. And the adult-branded “for men/for women” vitamin pills have changed not a whit since 1985. They’re as relentlessly big, and featureless as a human tongue, and just as deadly to choke on.

Listen: There ought to be a third vitamin. Just one more kind. I’m not calling for a complete overhaul of the vitamin system or anything. And of course if you like the chewable kind, there’s no law preventing you from getting them as an adult. But I don’t like the chewable kind. I want a pill, and I want it to be between one-half and two-thirds the size of the current adult multivitamins available on the market. It’s okay with me if that means I get a little bit less vitamin than someone who takes the big ones. I’m not trying to win any awards here. I just want some more vitamins than I get from food.

It’s okay if I’m not getting maxxed out every day. Just a moderately sized multivitamin that I don’t have to psyche myself up to swallow, thanks. And don’t get weird about it, okay, no cutesy marketing that’s like FOR TENTATIVE THROATS or whatever, or “Sometimes adulting is hard. That’s why there’s Miniminerals.”

Just make an intermediate size of vitamin and be normal about it. Put it between the chewable vitamins and the softball-sized vitamins and let the consumer do the rest. I don’t like the big vitamins, they’re too big. I am not alone in this, and I am not a crank. Thanks very much for your time.

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The Chatner

We Need A Third Size For Vitamins