Why is Mr. Wilson Barking?

Previously in Mr. Wilson coverage: “He carries a monastery with him; the fat and peaceful abbot without, the community existing out-of-time within, the peacefulness of ever-moving feet, the aimlessness of the labyrinth, the quiet pleasure in the unintended nugget of discovery left upon the floor.”

Classic

1. It is morning and he wants to go outside

2. It is evening and he wants to be lifted onto the bed

3. It is morning and he wants to be fed breakfast

4. It is evening and he wants to be fed dinner

5. It is late at night and he is thirsty, but does not want to be carried from the bed to his water dish; he wants his dish brought to him and placed just below his nose while he slowly considers the possibility of drinking from it

6. He has gotten trapped in the kitchen (foiled by the half-stair he can easily walk up but cannot walk down) and requires immediate evacuation by air

7. He has gotten trapped in the bathroom (foiled by the half-stair he can easily walk up but cannot walk down) and requires immediate evacuation by air

8. He has gotten trapped in the kitchen (foiled by the half-stair he can easily walk up but cannot walk down) but is not ready to leave; he wants me to come and do something in the kitchen while he finishes snuffling around the floor

9. Gogo and Bon-Bon are playing at a distance he considers impertinent or disrespectful

10. Gogo and Bon-Bon are playing at a distance he considers respectful and he wants to encourage them

Off-Beat

1. I have placed him on the bed but have not immediately gotten onto the bed to sit next to him; I have gone back to the kitchen for a glass of water first, leaving a 20-second window where he is on the bed with only Bon-Bon, Gogo, Grace, and Lily for company

2. He has been on the floor for anywhere between thirty seconds and ten minutes, and grows weary of it

3. He has been on the bed for too long and wants to smell the floor

   

Unexpected

1. I have gone to the bathroom to take a shower, closing the door behind me

2. I am in a different room than he thought I was in

Esoteric

1. He is on the Wrong Couch

2. He has recently been moved from the Wrong Couch to the couch opposite it

3. He is on the floor next to the two couches and wishes to be placed upon one of them

4. No, the other one

5. Put Me Back On The Floor Again

6. He has just started eating

7. He has finished eating and wants me to remove the paper towel he eats his dinner from

8. He has finished eating and wants to drink water, but cannot remember where his water dish is

9. He has finished eating before Gogo has finished eating

10. The kitchen has been cordoned off by the trash can and he cannot climb the half-stair

Hermetic/Ineffable

1. He is in the kitchen, and I am in the kitchen, but I’m standing behind him

2. Five In Morning

3. Fridge door is open

4. He has finished drinking water and doesn’t know what to do next

My latest book, Dear Prudence is on sale April 4^th. It's an anthology-slash-retrospective of my tenure as Slate’s advice columnist from 2016-2021. You can pre-order your copy here.