Why Not Simply Eat?

Why Does Ross Not Simply Eat?

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe and Monica are there.]

Monica: There’s nothing to tell.

Joey: There’s got to be something wrong with him.

Phoebe: Does he eat chalk?

[They all stare, bemused.]

Monica: It’s just people going out to dinner, and one of them is the largest of the five.

Chandler: I’m back in high school. I’m standing in the middle of the cafeteria.

Phoebe: Oh, yeah. I don’t want her to go through what I went through.

[Time lapse, Ross.]

Ross [large]: Hi.

Joey [warily]: This guy says hello, I feel like someone just reached down my throat, grabbed my small intestine…

Chandler: Cookie?

Phoebe: Chalk?

Monica: Let me get you some coffee. I would be too tough and stringy to eat.

[Phoebe starts to pluck at Ross’ hair.]

Ross [huge]: No, don’t. Don’t. Stop cleaning me.

Phoebe: I can be useful to you. I can find food. I can pluck.

Joey: You’re feeling a lot of pain right now. You’re angry. You’re massive.

Ross [huge]: I am so much bigger than any of you have ever been.

Joey [warily]: You’re the largest.

Ross: And after all — why shouldn’t I? Why shouldn’t I feed my largeness? And I can smell everything.

Monica: You’re dreaming.

Phoebe: You’re dreaming. We love you.

Chandler: You’re dreaming so much. We love you.

Monica: You smell the scraps of the child from yesterday’s dinner. Go tidy up — we love you — and by the time you come back I’ll have four broiled bridesmaids ready for you.

Ross [bigly]: If any of you touch my wonderful hen, I’ll know. She’ll cackle and call out to me.

Monica: Go and wash your bigness.

[Time lapse, Rachel.]

Rachel: I’m here and it’s awful. [To Ross] I know how large you are. And how large you can be.

Phoebe: I say push her down the stairs.

Joey: I saw push her down the stairs.

Phoebe, Monica, Chandler, and Joey: Push her down the stairs!

(She is pushed down the stairs and everyone cheers.)

Rachel [faintly]: I’m a shoe, I’m a shoe, I’m a shoe.

Phoebe: And she’s never made coffee before. Not ever in her entire life.

Ross [ENORMOUS]: It feels like there’s a hanger in my mouth.

Rachel: Oh, wow. Are you in trouble.

Monica: Big time.

Rachel: You can have the last cookie. I really don’t want it.

Chandler: It’s not going to be big enough.

Ross: And after all. And again. Why shouldn’t I? It’s simple. It’s incredibly simple and incredibly large.

Joey: I can’t believe what I’m hearing here.

Monica: Would you stop?

Chandler: I’m in Las Vegas. I’m Liza Minelli. It came up and bit me.

[Ross, the largest of the friends, simply eats the other five.]