Why Not Simply Eat?
Why Does Ross Not Simply Eat?
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe and Monica are there.]
Monica: There’s nothing to tell.
Joey: There’s got to be something wrong with him.
Phoebe: Does he eat chalk?
[They all stare, bemused.]
Monica: It’s just people going out to dinner, and one of them is the largest of the five.
Chandler: I’m back in high school. I’m standing in the middle of the cafeteria.
Phoebe: Oh, yeah. I don’t want her to go through what I went through.
[Time lapse, Ross.]
Ross [large]: Hi.
Joey [warily]: This guy says hello, I feel like someone just reached down my throat, grabbed my small intestine…
Monica: Let me get you some coffee. I would be too tough and stringy to eat.
[Phoebe starts to pluck at Ross’ hair.]
Ross [huge]: No, don’t. Don’t. Stop cleaning me.
Phoebe: I can be useful to you. I can find food. I can pluck.
Joey: You’re feeling a lot of pain right now. You’re angry. You’re massive.
Ross [huge]: I am so much bigger than any of you have ever been.
Joey [warily]: You’re the largest.
Ross: And after all — why shouldn’t I? Why shouldn’t I feed my largeness? And I can smell everything.
Monica: You’re dreaming.
Phoebe: You’re dreaming. We love you.
Chandler: You’re dreaming so much. We love you.
Monica: You smell the scraps of the child from yesterday’s dinner. Go tidy up — we love you — and by the time you come back I’ll have four broiled bridesmaids ready for you.
Ross [bigly]: If any of you touch my wonderful hen, I’ll know. She’ll cackle and call out to me.
Monica: Go and wash your bigness.
[Time lapse, Rachel.]
Rachel: I’m here and it’s awful. [To Ross] I know how large you are. And how large you can be.
Phoebe: I say push her down the stairs.
Joey: I saw push her down the stairs.
Phoebe, Monica, Chandler, and Joey: Push her down the stairs!
(She is pushed down the stairs and everyone cheers.)
Rachel [faintly]: I’m a shoe, I’m a shoe, I’m a shoe.
Phoebe: And she’s never made coffee before. Not ever in her entire life.
Ross [ENORMOUS]: It feels like there’s a hanger in my mouth.
Rachel: Oh, wow. Are you in trouble.
Monica: Big time.
Rachel: You can have the last cookie. I really don’t want it.
Chandler: It’s not going to be big enough.
Ross: And after all. And again. Why shouldn’t I? It’s simple. It’s incredibly simple and incredibly large.
Joey: I can’t believe what I’m hearing here.
Monica: Would you stop?
Chandler: I’m in Las Vegas. I’m Liza Minelli. It came up and bit me.
[Ross, the largest of the friends, simply eats the other five.]