I Am Not A Crank: We Need Middle-of-the-Road Toilet Paper

A simple request, from a simple man; one I believe is eminently achievable with one or two minor adjustments. I don’t call for a major overhaul of society, or for a lot of hard work from anyone (Not that I’m afraid of a little hard work, so long as it’s really just a little and I can be sure of a hot meal afterwards). But we’ve got to bring back some middle-of-the-road toilet paper.

I couldn’t tell you exactly when it happened; to the best of my recollection the problem began sometime in the late 90s, when Quilted Northern started airing all those shakily-animated ads of a ladies’ quilting circle that came across as slightly anesthetized Red Bull commercials.

I assume the shaky-drawing ad boom of the late 90s was a result of laid-off animators from The Critic, but who knows

Suddenly the cutesy toilet paper ads were everywhere. The Charmin bears, et cetera. I have no real quarrel with them, aside from the obvious aesthetic and moral objections, but with what this boom represented: the sudden and overwhelming disappearance of middle-of-the-road toilet paper from seemingly every supermarket, pharmacy, and corner store in the country. You know what I mean. Stop by the nearest CVS on your way home today and check the shelves. I can pretty confidently guess what you’re going to see:

1. A lot of big name brands bearing 4=8! or 2=16! or 3=12! on the label — some baffling, triumphalist equation promising that each one of their superjumbuated rolls is the equal of three (or four, or six) regular rolls. Each of our toilet paper rolls is ten rolls! Our five is your twenty! Our nine is your seventeen! You only think you’re walking out of here with four rolls of toilet paper, you rube — you’ve got the lavatorial equivalent of the Library of Alexandria in your hands! Taglines like MORE MAJESTIC THAN EVER. DOWNIER AND THICKER THAN YOUR OWN MATTRESS. FUCK IT, WE’RE GOING FIVE-PLY. The effect that even a single genteel square of this paper will have on your plumbing is catastrophic. Essentially unusable.

2. A handful of knock-off, recycled brands with names like BAMBOO RESTRAINT and ECOBOARD. No-ply, almost transparent, with the structural integrity of a ghost’s cough, looks like that scene from Fun and Fancy Free where Mickey Mouse has to turn a single slice of bread into dinner for three people. A joke, presumably.

All I’m asking for is a return to the sensible middle! A modest yet effective three-ply weave, where one roll of toilet paper is the equivalent of one roll of toilet paper. Practical, necessary, simple. Dismiss the Ozymandias-like grandiosity of your Cottonelle Superchargeds on the one hand, and the Tiny-Tim-like austerity of GeneriPulp on the other.

It should go without saying that this situation cannot be improved, I might add, by any hideously cheerful startup¹ that wants to mail a cardboard box full of “offbeat” toilet paper to my home every month. Just bring back regular toilet paper in regular stores. We have the materials. All that is required is the will.

Thank you in advance/I am not a crank.

1. Called something like “Butt Buddy” or “Chic Cheek,” no doubt