The Menu From The Greatest Restaurant In The World: The Everything Is A Little Bit Burned Café
Welcome! Have you guys dined with us before? Wonderful, then you’ll know what to expect, just a quick reminder that everything is a little bit burned here, so whatever you order, do be advised, it’s going to be a little bit burned. The edges will probably be burnt, at least a little, possibly as much as some. So for example, if you were to order the bratwurst, it would be a little bit burned. Definitely around the edges, and possibly again somewhere in the middle, where it might have charred a little on the grill from being left there just a minute or two too long. Sound good?
I’ll be back in a minute, happy to answer any questions you might have, and just a reminder that everything here is just a little bit burned, okay? Nothing is incinerated, we’re not setting off any fire alarms, we’re not trying to sell charcoal here – it’s the very first stage of being burnt around the edges. Any less burned and it wouldn’t be burned at all, any more burned and it would no longer be “a little burnt.” What we offer here is precisely the quality of having been burned a little bit, no more and no less.
Oh, and all the drinks are normal. There’s no weird secret burnt element to any of the drinks. We wouldn’t do that.
Popcorn, slightly burnt (say, every third piece of popcorn is lightly blushing rose-brown)
Fried onions, a little bit burned (just a little bit, not all of them, but definitely some, the primary note is not “burned” but “robustly-cooked onion” and then there’s a note afterwards that’s like, “oh, that’s a little bit burned too,” to round it out)
Toast and bacon (both a little bit burnt)
Scorched rice, available as either a tahdig, concón, or okoge preparation (may be eaten by picking the scorched bits directly out of the pot in the kitchen for an additional $5)
Assorted root vegetables, roasted until the edges are all burned (may be slightly burned)
Pizza, little bit burned (crust is burned somewhat, cheese is burned somewhat)
Stouffer’s lasagna or macaroni and cheese, microwaved for an extra two minutes (the edges are a little bit burned)
Fried egg (edges are just a little overdone, like lacy gold-brown with a kiss of char at the very tip, but the yolk is still runny, do not worry, we did not burn the yolk)
Thing of Pork (we burned it a little, the skin is a little burned, the rest is normal but the skin is a little burned, served with a grilled lemon wedge that accidentally got burned on the grill while we were plating, so it’s an incredibly hot wedge of lemon with some strips of singe across the peel & flesh, hope that’s okay)
Cheez-Its, the slightly burnt ones, we picked all the slightly burnt ones out of the box and gave the regular ones away
Scalloped potatoes, broiled a little too long
Brisket (burnt ends)
Halloumi, we burned it a little bit
Scallions, they are burned
Peppers etc (burnt by fire)
Broccoli (started in hot oven for 45 minutes minimum, finished by being burnt tableside)
Brownie, corner wedge, slightly singed at edge
Caramel sauce, little bit burnt, over bread pudding (underside a little burned)
Marsmallows (they’re a little bit burned)
Additional items may be singed at diner’s request and chef’s discretion.