Welcome to coffee shop, bathroom occupied! Everyone is looking at you for no reason. Try door real quick. Door is busy! Door is no for sliding. Try pulling door. Door is no for pulling! Try next door. Door is busy! Try sliding. Door is no for sliding!
I mean, George Saunders WISHES he could capture this level of unease. OCCUPIED!!
Further up and further into the coffee shop
All I want for Christmas is a book-length compilation of these restaurant descriptions.