Previously in this series: Emma, Part III.
MR WESTON: My son is coming to visit!!!
I mailed him away twenty years ago, but that’s all in the past now
— Ah. He is not coming just yet. It seems that yesterday he had some ginger ale and today is still recovering
It’s very fizzy, ginger ale
MRS WESTON: Everybody better be nice to Jane when she gets here
You know she’s going to have to get a job
EMMA: No
I don’t want to do that
Consider that for me, trying to like Jane Fairfax would be very much like having to get a job
MRS WESTON: You know, her skin’s gotten a lot better since her last visit
EMMA [resolved]: Let bygones be bygones. I am determined to be friends with Jane Fairfax at last
EMMA: Jane. Welcome home. I’m so sorry about how much job you’re going to have to have. I understand what that’s like — sometimes my father wants to play the very boring kind of cards after dinner1, instead of the exciting kind of cards2
[A pause] Is it nice having grey eyes? Can I bring you a husband or anything?
Do you want to have a sleepover?
JANE FAIRFAX: Hello
MISS BATES [Loudly]: Miss Woodhouse, I am SO WORRIED because Jane never eats ANYTHING. She’s already SO THIN and she only had a WHISPER of mutton for dinner but I can NEVER convince her to EAT…LOOK I have EMBROIDERED how little she had for dinner yesterday, you can see for yourself
EMMA: All right, well. I tried. Have fun living in someone’s attic and teaching cursive forever
MR WOODHOUSE: My secret? When the fire is too hot? I simply move my chair a little further back — thusly — and then you see I am further from the fire as a result
Also I think Emma’s best friend must be Jane Fairfax. Because they are two women who have met
MISS BATES [Kicking down the door]: HOW SHALL I EVER THANK YOU FOR MY HAM
MR WOODHOUSE: It’s all right to have a little ham. Isn’t it?
EMMA: Yes, it’s all right, Papa
MR WOODHOUSE: Oh, that’s good news. That’s good ham news about it
HARRIET: I saw Mr Martin and his sister today. It was awful. They were both so nice to me
EMMA: Okay well if it will cheer you up, I can tell you there’s someone else who is never going to marry you now
EMMA: It is a shame. It is a shame to see how Harriet and the Martins suffer — they are very deserving — but Mr. Martin is a farmer. They grow food out of the ground, and Harriet deserves to live on the surface of the earth, to feel the warmth of the sun, to see the flowers, and so on —
[The nature of farming is explained to her]
Ah. Well, my point still stands.
MR WESTON: My wonderful son Frank is here!! And he will never go away again!
FRANK CHURCHILL: Emma Woodhouse, you’re as tall as you are et cetera, I think you’re wonderful, you have yellow hair like the sun, your father is splendid, I would rather eat my own wrists than leave, but I have a certain errand I simply have to run on behalf of some toad who lives in town. I think her name is Jane Fairfax, but I have never heard of her. Is she real? — Pray don’t imagine that I care one way or the other, because I don’t. I’m going to throw rocks at her. She is not important to me at all. We have never met, except for that one time. Do you like dancing
MR WOODHOUSE: Frank. Please. Don’t go. There’s dirt in the street
and it’s four in the afternoon
That’s the most dangerous part of the afternoon
EMMA: And how did you find Jane?
FRANK CHURCHILL [Looking at the ground]: I didn’t. She was dead when I got there. Or dying. She wasn’t there at all. I only stayed ten minutes to cut off some of her hair while she was sleeping. I thought it would be a funny joke, and it was
EMMA: I hear you used to be neighbors when you lived at Weymouth. Did you get along with her there?
FRANK CHURCHILL: Oh my God. Is this the store that everyone in town goes to?
EMMA: Yes. It’s called Ford’s
FRANK CHURCHILL: Oh my GOD
Do they sell gloves??
EMMA: Yes
they sell everything
FRANK CHURCHILL: Let’s go in, girl!! Let’s go crazy and buy some gloves!!
EMMA: Okay!!
[To herself] Is this what love is?
FRANK CHURCHILL: I hate Jane Fairfax. I bet she’s a homewrecker. But I love buying gloves with you, Emma
EMMA: Is Frank in?
MRS WESTON: I’m afraid he isn’t, Emma. He’s ridden all the way to London for a haircut
EMMA [To herself]: Is this what love isn’t? Because I don’t like or respect him anymore…But if he wanted to come back and say mean things about Jane Fairfax again, I wouldn’t mind
MR KNIGHTLEY: A man who really loved you, Emma, would never get his hair cut unless it were a medical emergency
EMMA: I’m glad you rode a horse to dinner. It’s good for me to see you on a horse. And there’s something so wonderfully 5’9” about you
MR KNIGHTLEY: You make less sense to me every day you are alive
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Quadrille
Speculation
Invite me to your child's christening and I promise to bestow the blessing of Good Ham News
Possibly my favorite one yet. You must never stop.