Mansfield Park, Part III
Previously: Mansfield Park, Part I. “She looks like she’s never had a glass of milk in her LIFE.”
Mansfield Park, Part II. MARY CRAWFORD [Weeping with fury]: I don’t even know what a church is, Edmund
EDMUND: I must oppose this play in the strongest possible terms. Sir Thomas would not approve it…You might as well call it “I don’t love my fiancé, Mr. Rushworth, at all.”
MARIA BERTRAM: But I don’t love my fiancé, Mr. Rushworth, at all
JULIA BERTRAM: Yes, nobody loves him, I don’t think
EDMUND: I’m not accusing anybody of loving Mr. Rushworth. I would cheerfully ride over him with my horse, if it came to that. Mrs. Norris, don’t you agree my father ought to be consulted before turning the house into a theater…?
MRS. NORRIS [Shoving loose buttons and sewing-needles into her pockets]: I NEED more BUTTONS
EDMUND: Mother, help me out here
LADY BERTRAM [bolting upright from a dead sleep on the couch]: Yes…Don’t do anything wrong, obviously. But as long as you’re all doing the right thing, keep at it. Well done.
MARY CRAWFORD: Knock knock it’s me! Fanny, hi…Can you pretend to be Edmund for like five minutes so I can practice our love scenes in the play? I just know we’re going to be good friends, because I’m going to force it, even if it kills us both.
EDMUND: Knock knock it’s me! Fanny, can you pretend to be Mary Crawford for like five minutes…?
MARY CRAWFORD: Edmund, hi! We were just practicing heterosexuality. Thank God you’re here so we don’t have to do that anymore
FANNY: Oh! Is that what female friendship is?
Because I really hate it, if so
EDMUND: No but that’s so crazy because I was just going to ask Fanny to practice heterosexuality with ME
MARY CRAWFORD: No that’s perfect, because she’s not really a girl but she’s definitely not a man, either. She’s like…a universal cousin. Like if Cousin were a sex
EDMUND: Oh, absolutely
FANNY: If this is what heterosexuality is I don’t think I’m crazy about that either
SIR THOMAS: Fanny! It’s so good to see you!
FANNY: I don’t understand
SIR THOMAS: I missed you! You’re looking so well these days!
FANNY: I’m not sure what this is about, but I’m very sorry, and I’ll never do it again
FANNY PRICE: How to stop women from being friends with you
No women friends only brothers
How to stop men from talking to you
Stop uncle from knowing you are home
Become invisible to uncles
How to win brothers and influence cousins
EDMUND: Sir, I want you to know that none of this was Fanny’s idea. She’s not to blame for any part of it
SIR THOMAS: Listen, no one is accusing Fanny of having an idea
MR. RUSHWORTH: What is Henry, five ten? How can anyone take him seriously, height like that. It’s not a serious height for a man to be
[The family has gathered around the dinner table and are eating in silence.]
MRS. NORRIS [brightly]: I stopped a child from having lunch today
MR. RUSHWORTH: What is he, five nine? Five eight? That’s a tradesman’s height. That’s tall enough to work in a shop. He’s like a little doll, to me. Physically I don’t even see how he could sleep with Maria even if he wanted to. He’d have to climb up a big ladder. So I’m not worried
MRS. NORRIS: This was a good visit! I got, like…six eggs, wheel of cheese…a big thing of dirt to take home for my own garden…Fanny you can carry my dirt. It was a present
EDMUND: By the way, if you were to ask my father what he thinks of you now, you would undoubtedly hear some compliments on your body
FANNY: How do I not hear that?
EDMUND: I don’t really know what to tell you, Fanny. If you get uncomfortable hearing that your uncle thinks you’re attractive now, you’re going to have an awfully tough time with adult life
MARY CRAWFORD: In my experience that’s mostly what being a woman is, is attention from uncles. It’s basically fine
MARIA BERTRAM: …to love and to cherish, to honor and obey, as long as we both shall live, et cetera. I’m bringing my sister with us on our honeymoon by the way. Her name is already on all the reservations so I really don’t think you should try to make a thing about it
HENRY CRAWFORD: Who is Fanny Price brother
What is Navy where is ocean
What are brothers why do girls love them
How to become Fanny Price’s brother
How to force a woman to accept presents & attention
Use brothers to make sisters like you
Pervert family relations to get what you want how to
How to make women unhappy and like you same time
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I'd love to just turn you loose on any number of books I want to have read but prefer not to read
Lost it at "It’s not a serious height for a man to be"