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Cain and Abel

Difficulties of a Viking-Era Detective: Slewdunnit

"I just received this spectacular collection of important English silver": This Is The Quality of Spam I Expect From Now On

Now You Read Now You See Me

Please Accept My Application To Become A Wealthy Peasant

Feelings I Have Had About My Dishwasher

A Very Columbo Thanksgiving

I'll Tell Ya This For Free: Pickle Your Leftover Avocado

Lines From a 1981 Article About Jack Lemmon I Wish Were About Me

"Longer Than You Think, Dad"

Other Signs, Besides Having A Map In The Front, That The Fantasy Novel You've Just Picked Up Will Be Good

Oscar Wilde Couldn't Find Anyone To Go With Him To Japan

How I Intend To Treat My Enemies

They Died With Their Shirts On

One Thing You Might Have Missed About Howl's Moving Castle: Once Sophie Becomes An Old Woman She Never Eats Anything But Bacon Ever Again

Advice For Melodramatic Children And Theatrical Adults: How To Slowly Phase Out Having Fake-Lost Your Voice Throughout The Day So No One Challenges You

Classical Music Riots, Ranked

A Letter From Chris Kimball

Things My Neighbors Have Said To Me When I Leave the House Without My Dogs

Marxist Quotes Where "Civilization" Has Been Replaced By "Dinotopia"

Top Ten Reasons Why They're Putting Drugs In The Halloween Candy This Year

The Second-String Sacred Band of Thebes

Condolence Cards for Dogs

George Eliot's Boyish Girls and Girlish Boys

A Personal History of Shift Meals

What Waking Up At 11AM Feels Like, Depending on Whether You Planned To Sleep In Until 11AM the Night Before or It Happened By Accident

Interview With A Former Medieval Times Employee: "All the dudes who worked there were total babes"

All Remaining Items From the Gore Vidal Estate Sale on 1st Dibs

A Comprehensive Timeline of The Flowers in the Attic Series

On Remembering One's Childhood and Playing the Snare Drum

Orphaned Riddles

Lines From The Junior Heritage Club's 1939 Advertisement For a Special Edition of Tennyson's Idylls of the King I Wish Were About Me

"Put the whole world behind you and forget it"

I Pledge Allegiance to Roller Coasters

Using My Time Machine To Introduce "Power Posing" To Ashurbanipal

The Musical Oklahoma! Pretty Effectively Summarizes Everything We Know About the Proto-Indo-Europeans

Claims You Can Always Safely Make Without Fear of Further Investigations

Some Bugs I've Noticed In Sid Meier's Civilization Six

Every Bed I Wanted Between The Years 1994 and 2001

Now You Work In Busytown

Dog-Related Neighborhood Gossip I've Heard While Walking My Dogs

Applaud Hatefully or Notice Carefully: The Two Types of Period Pieces

We Need A Third Size For Vitamins

What We're Allowed To Say We Know About Venus Figurines

Some Facts About Doggerland

How To Play Sid Meier's Civilization Six

I Can Promise You One Good, Free Thing: Watch "The Tall Target" Sometime

The Best Lines From T.C. Duncan's 1878 "How to Be Plump: Talks on Physiological Feeding"

Let Me Save You Some Time: On Transitioning Like You're Opening A Candy Bar In A Crowded Movie Theater With A Really Loud Wrapper

It Can't Be A Bad Movie If A Wicked Little Man Gets A Straight-Razor Shave

Let Me Save You Some Time: A Field Guide To Avoiding Transition By Family Committee

Guy Who Can't Commit To Plans Because He Thinks The Guys Are Doing Something Later And Wants To Be Free If So

"Don't You Remember, Darling?": The Art of Making Conversation With Your Disoriented Fiancée In The Hospital Before He Gets The Rest of His Memories Back

The Impossible Dream: Barbara Pym and Popular Underdogs

I Know What It Sounds Like But My Liege Lord Just Happens To Be Exemplary In Form and Countenance

If Everyone Talked About Plato's Cave Like They Talk About Atlantis

Who Said It: Jane From "Jane Eyre," or The Dog From "The Call Of The Wild"?

Hypothalamic Panic: Teen Magazine Headlines According to The Current Climate

I'll Tell Ya This For Free: Canned Potatoes

The Stages Of "I'm Really Trying" To Be Cool About Your Transition

Last Year's Himbos Are Responsible For Today's Goblins

Julie & Julia, The Holiday, and The Fried Green Tomatoes Problem

My Audition Packet For The Tonight Show In 1952

Medievalists HATE Him: What Is Your Field's "A World Lit Only By Fire"?

How To Tell If You're In A Folk Horror Film

All The Best Lines From A Fifteen-Year-Old Edition of "Country Life" Magazine

Ongoing Public Conversations About True Crime Where "True Crime" Has Been Replaced By "Murder Ballads"

Plausible-Sounding Aphorisms, In Case You Need To Buy Time In A Conversation

Humor In Cuneiform: A Dog Walks Into A Tavern

An Improvement on the Pomodoro Technique

My Understanding Of Common-Law Marriage Law Based On Years of Watching Television Procedurals

Please Accept My Application To Become A Bog Body

Archaeology Loves An Amateur: The Importance Of Stumbling Upon Artefacts

I'll Tell Ya This For Free: Always Get A Can of Condensed Milk When You Buy A Can of Evaporated Milk and Vice Versa

"At the midpoint of fluorescence and dripping lies effluvium": A Chat With Isaac Fellman About Archives and Vampirism

You're Going To Italy In A Novel By A Non-Italian Writer! Are You Going To Have A Good Time?

Sounds Like A Good Idea: Fresh Servitude and Heaps of Self-Pity

Sounds Like A Good Idea: Hercules Furens and White-Knuckling It, Part I

How To Figure Out You're Gay Or Something ("Or Something") Before You Know What Being Gay Or Something ("Or Something") Is

Things Kids In My Neighborhood Have Said To Me About My Dogs

Reverse Plots

Regnal Sobriquets in Order of Intimidation, Intensity, and "It Factor"

We Wasted Too Much Time Fighting About Blog Recipe Preambles When The Real Problem Has Always Been "Fun" Snack Label Backstories

After A Long Pause, I Love To Laugh The King Laugh

Oh Wow – I Hadn't Even Noticed I'd Grown Darkly Handsome

William F. Buckley's "God and Man At Yale" But This Time It Gradually, Almost Imperceptibly, Becomes Entirely About Peat Bogs

The New York Times* Best Seller List** If We're Only Counting Books About Weight Loss My Mother Hoped I Would Read Between 2000-2019

If Your Mom Owned "Reviving Ophelia" in 1995, My Best Guess For Her Non-Fiction Purchases In Each Subsequent Year

First Of All, There's Nothing Charlotte of "Charlotte's Web" Says About Wilbur That Isn't Also True Of The Virgin Mary

Everyone Was Playing A Big Game Of Tug-Of-War But No One Would Admit It

A Little Life or The Count of Monte Cristo?

Why Not Simply Eat?

A Special Little Guy Running Around: Collecting Compliments in Ocarina of Time

I’m Terribly Sorry, I Simply Don’t Know How Much Money My Husband Makes — I Really Couldn’t Say